A Fleeting Moment

On my way home the other night I saw something that I thought was one thing but as I got closer I realized it was something else. It left me reflecting on how quickly I can form an impression and even make some assumptions and judgments based on that impression.

I was driving up a long, gradual hill, on a three-lane road that was not very busy at 6:30 p.m. Up ahead on the right was a 2-3 story building and parking lot that I pass every day. The parking lot is bordered by a retaining wall and I saw a man sitting on that ledge, facing in my direction. In front of him but to the side just a bit was what looked like a large dog, a rusty red color like an Irish Setter with longish wavy hair. My impression, all occurring in just a few seconds, was that the dog was sitting, but sitting tall, alert but calm. My impression, from a distance, was of a man sitting comfortably with his dog next to him, companions at ease together waiting for something or just sitting and watching the world go by. I felt a fleeting moment of appreciation for their companionship and maybe a little bit of envy too.

My car kept moving me forward and I got closer to the spot where the man was sitting. In the next seconds, then, I realized that what I had thought was an alert, proud dog sitting loyally near his owner was actually a rust colored metal post, about a yard tall and maybe 4-5 inches in diameter, lodged in the ground in front of but a little to the side of the man sitting on the ledge. As I got closer still, I could also make out the features of the man’s face better. He was staring straight ahead, hands loose in his lap.

My initial impression of warm man-with-dog companionship changed instantly. In this fleeting moment I suddenly sensed or perceived – or assumed – loneliness, aloneness, a situation so different from my initial impressions and assumptions.

This fleeting moment left a feeling impression on me. There was such a stark contrast between my assumptions and the reality of the situation. I drove on, feeling sad for this man but intrigued by this few-seconds long experience.

A Moment with Many Definitions

WARNING: This Blog essay probably contains too many definitions of words. This could seem very boring. But there’s meaning in the meanings; please bear with me.

I recently re-read a Journal entry from April 11 in which the word “inundate” sparked a reflection and a safari of sorts through the dictionary.

Safari, noun

- An overland expedition, especially in East Africa [From the Arabic word for journey]

Expedition, noun

- A journey undertaken with a definite objective

- Speed in performance (hmmm….)

Expedite, verb

- To speed the progress of; facilitate

- To perform quickly [From the Latin word expedire, make ready]

Expeditious, adjective

-Acting or done with speed and efficiency

[A fun word to say out loud, actually.]

On April 11 I was still experiencing feelings of being overwhelmed by my many responsibilities and perceived obligations. The word “inundated” came to mind.

Inundate, verb (Inundation, noun)

- To cover or overwhelm with or as if with a flood

I didn’t realize the direct connection to water with the word “inundate”. When I feel inundated and overwhelmed by the experience of life in the current moment, with my sometimes intense awareness of all the things I need to do, I think the image of waves can actually help me. I can take some deep breaths, acknowledge the flooding feeling, the experience of feeling overwhelmed, but keep breathing and imagining the wave subsiding again. The rhythmic, soothing (and yes, powerful) nature of waves can be tapped into and used as a positive image. I can use the power and momentum of waves to propel me forward. I can use the rhythmic nature of waves to soothe and relax me. The feeling of being inundated can ebb, flow back, ease, moving from a crashing sound to the quiet of the flowing-back moment.

Overwhelm, verb

- To submerge; engulf

- To defeat completely

- To turn over; upset

Engulf, verb

- To swallow up or overwhelm by or as if by overflowing and enclosing

As I sat with my smallish pocket dictionary (“Over 70,000 entries“!), finishing my notes for the word engulf, I noticed the words on either side of that word, all verbs.

                                           Engross                                         Engulf                                 Enhance

Engross, verb

- To occupy exclusively; absorb Synonym: monopolize

Enhance, verb

- To make greater, as in value, reputation, or usefulness

[From the Latin inaltare, heighten]

When I am feeling overwhelmed or engulfed by all the perceived things I have or need to do, it always helps if I focus exclusively on just one thing at a time. “Uni-tasking”, becoming engrossed and absorbed in just one task at a time will help quell the feeling of being flooded to overflowing. This will most certainly enhance my overall sense of well-being, of calm and I will be able to handle my experience that much more effectively. AND expeditiously!

Spider Lessons

I can’t remember now when I first encountered the idea of Totem Animals. It’s been a few years and the first animal to present itself to me with symbolic meaning was the giraffe.

In Native American traditions (and others), animals can be considered to hold symbolic meaning. Specific animals may appear in your life with both messages and lessons for you and for your life’s path. If you’re curious to learn more you can search on the web with the key words “totem animals” or “(animal, insect, bird name) as totem animal”. My favorite book on the subject is by Ted Andrews, titled “Animal Speak”.

So the Spider as a Totem Animal has come to have quite a bit of symbolic meaning for me and she has taught me or reminded me of many important life lessons, after I did the work of making the connections. It does require pausing and reflecting to allow the significance of a totem animal to emerge. (I think of spiders as female, due partly to the fact that Spider is considered in some traditions as the Grandmother of words and the queen storyteller, and because of the children’s book “Charlotte’s Web”.)

So recently Spider came to mind, when I had a button hanging by a thread and when I was feeling out of balance, pushing myself at work to accomplish many things. The sensations of responsibility and obligation that I was experiencing were both internally and externally driven. I was pushing myself into a workaholic state of mind and the expectations of my job were contributing to the sense of urgency.

The spider’s “thread” is a magical thing, seemingly so thin and fragile but in actuality extremely strong and resilient. A spider can enjoy the sensation of a free fall and then catch herself so effortlessly when she has gotten to her destination. A lesson in letting go, as completely as possible. “Just release and relax…. breathe, release some more, it’s safe, your threads will hold you….”

I want to clarify: I’m not actually a big fan of creeping and crawling things. The idea of Spider as a totem animal, as being somehow significant in symbolic ways to me and in my life all started when I had a Daddy Long Legs on my shirt sleeve; it had moved from some dusty files I was carrying onto my shirt. When someone pointed it out, I was lickety-split quick to brush it off, with a startled exclamation of “Ew!” or “Ugh!” So I keep spiders at a distance, but oh how many inspired moments they have engendered in my mind.

I keep a quart size jar with a lid in my bathroom, a place where I seem to encounter a lot of spiders. It is labeled “Bug Jar” so no one else will use it or take it away. When a spider appears to remind me gently about my writing or my creativity in general, I will try to catch it carefully in my jar and then I “invite” it to go outside. One morning when that happened I didn’t take the spider out right away, but finished with my morning routine.

When I turned my attention back to the spider in the jar, I had to pause and consider the symbolic nature of the situation. This spider had lost control of her independence and free will (temporarily, and thanks to me). When I first caught her in the jar, she froze in a self-defense reflex. But while my attention had been diverted away from the spider, she had reverted to what she knows best. She had created just a few strands of web, invisible to me, from one side of the jar to the other and was hanging, suspended, in the middle, just waiting patiently for whatever might happen next.

Suspend, verb

- To hang so as to allow free movement

- To support or keep from falling without apparent attachment

- To cause to stop for a period; interrupt (a kind of pausing)

This was one of Spider’s lessons for me, a simple reminder to pause when faced with a dilemma or a situation that seems to be out of my control. I can do what I know to do to keep myself safe and then I can just pause patiently, suspending myself in the here and now of the current moment, waiting to see what will happen next.

Hanging by a Thread

It was one of those moments in which an experience in the “right here and now” triggers a thought (in this case an idiom), followed by a sparking of ideas and a cascade of connections which unfold so quickly you almost can’t keep up. I made a connection between the tangible situation and a saying that could have multiple meanings and suddenly did, all applying to this moment.

The button on my pants was loose, dangerously so. It was almost literally hanging by a thread. I had left the house that morning knowing that this button needed some attention, but I didn’t take the time to fix it right then. It was mid afternoon when I realized it felt even looser, less secure, hanging by just a few strands of thread.

That’s when my mind made the connection to the idiom, “hanging by a thread”. This moment occurred at the end of a second week of pushing too hard to “get work done” at the expense of pacing myself and at the expense of breathing well, regularly. So what a great way to describe, perhaps, being or feeling so stressed that you perceive that you’re barely holding on, barely holding things together.

Even after writing about losing my balance a couple weeks ago, which increased my awareness of the state of my mind and life and out-of-whack priorities, I still haven’t regained the balance I’m seeking. I’ve been exploring words like “responsibility” and “obligation” in my journal and realizing that I tend to experience a strong sense of both of those states of mind. Feeling responsible and/or feeling obligated comes naturally to an oldest child with people-pleasing tendencies.

But to get the to the point where the phrase “hanging by a thread” has deeper meaning beyond a loose button… well, it’s time to become more intentional in my quest for a different balance.

I am regularly inspired by moments in nature, by observations that I make when I have paused long enough to notice, and there are so many clues and cues to guide me in my plan to regain or recreate a sense of balance that feels right.

The moment I experienced with my button unfolded like this, fairly quickly:
- “Oh my gosh, this button is looser than it was this morning!”
- “It’s hanging by a thread.”
- “Hmm, that could describe how I feel, rushing to accomplish so many things this week and now feeling stressed and barely holding on.”
- “Thread….spiders. Of course! The lessons that spiders have taught me.”

By the end of this quick series of thoughts, I was smiling.

I’m going to keep you in suspense, leave you hanging, so to speak, until my next Blog, when I will begin to describe some of my moments with spiders that have taught me about balance and pausing and becoming more centered. In the meantime, maybe you will make your own connections, which is much more meaningful anyway.

Many thanks and warm thoughts of appreciation to everyone who takes some of their own precious time out of daily life to read my Blog posts and to “Like” my Blogs on the occasions when you feel so inclined!

Balance

I lost my balance in the last week of March.

Balance, noun

- A state of equilibrium

- An influence or force that tends to produce equilibrium

Equilibrium, noun

A condition of balance between

opposed forces, influences, or actions

Balance, continued

- Emotional stability

- Something left over; remainder

- A harmonious arrangement or proportion of parts

I lost my balance in the last week of March.

I didn’t fall down. I didn’t lose it emotionally or fall apart in that way.

I lost my mental grip on my preferred balance of work and everything else, the rest of life that isn’t related to earning money, to “making a living”. I misplaced my sense of passion for my work, the feeling that I am pursuing my calling. I pushed myself to get as much of my work done as possible, eating lunch at my desk so I could multi-task and accomplish something else on my to-do list in addition to nourishing my body. I could feel the sense of obligation and responsibility and I let it take precedence over pacing myself, over pausing, over mindfulness in the moment, over people.

This wasn’t an unusual occurrence. I am regularly out of balance at work, multi-tasking too much and following too hectic of a pace and forgetting to pause and just breathe for a moment. But the intensity of my imbalance was stronger a couple weeks ago. I gave in to the feelings of responsibility and obligation and, of my own free will one day, chose to work an 11 hour day. I got a lot done. I was really tired.

Maybe these are some of the opposing forces or influences in my personal equilibrium equation:

On the one side, I have a genuine sense of responsibility that is simply built in to who I am. I carry a feeling of personal and professional obligation with me that surges in intensity sometimes. I have an awareness of being held accountable for getting all my job duties completed. I hold myself highly accountable because that’s just how I am. And there is the lure of multi-tasking with the accompanying misperception that you can get more done.

On the other hand, I am very aware of trying to create balance in my life. I have been encouraging myself to slow down my pace, to pause in order to really breathe. I seek to be as mindful as possible. I want to slow down and really BE with the people I am interacting with. And I appreciate the calm focus that comes with “uni-tasking”.

I have choices. I remind myself regularly that I always have choices. I made particular choices two weeks ago and again this past week. There are other choices that I can make and happily I am aware of them. It’s just a matter of MAKING those different choices.

Catch a Sunrise

Catch, verb- To discover or come upon unexpectedly or accidentally

- To intercept or overtake

- To get to in time

- To become or cause to become held, entangled, or fastened

The sun is shifting in the sky, away from its winter-low hang toward the south, coming back towards the high middle part of the sky. The days are getting noticeably longer, seemingly all of a sudden, a sign of spring and the summer to come. The recent Daylight Savings Time change probably helps that impression, causing it to be lighter in the evening, longer than it used to be. The time change has one specific benefit that I appreciate: I can catch more sunrises on my way to work.

One morning last week as I stopped at the first red light on my usual route to work, I turned my head to look out my side window and experienced one of those unexpected moments of surprise and quiet amazement. The eastern sky at the horizon, visible to me through the silhouettes of a few bare trees, was glowing, a mix, in that moment, of deep purples and roses, enhanced by just-right clouds serving as the sun’s canvas to catch the light. My timing was perfect. I had caught the sunrise that morning.

We’re entering a favorite time of the year, where my drive to work coincides with the rising of the sun. It happens every spring and fall and the daylight savings trick, dreamed up by someone, gives me a second set of chances in both seasons.

When my light turned green, I turned my car left, toward that amazing sky. Changing positions gave me a new view and I discovered that the brightest portion of the sky, where the sun would soon emerge, was located perfectly between the trees on either side of a street which angled off in the near distance.

Deep breath of appreciation.

I slowed my car down, gazing and soaking in the rich colors, knowing that there was a red light just ahead AND that no one was behind me to become anxious or antsy at my slow pace. My route takes me eastward for about a mile before turning me south for a mile or so and then I get to head east again, so I continued to check the sky from the different angles that my route allowed.

Have you noticed how quickly the sky changes when the sun is rising or setting? And how dependent a sunrise or sunset is on clouds for catching the changing light and color and adding to the transitory drama, or to the sometimes boring nature of the sky? In one moment the clouds and sky are glowing and intensely colored. Three or five minutes later, they’re just clouds, gray or white, showing no evidence of the recent color show.

As I approached that turn-me-south curve in the road I wondered, “Will I miss the rest of this sunrise? How quickly will it change, with these deep rich colors becoming paler as the brilliance of the sun washes them out? I like THIS moment and want to keep enjoying it.”

So I decided to see how long it would take me to go south and then turn eastward again. And I decided to see how much the sky changed in those moments when I was unable to see it. I got lucky that morning and hit all the green lights. In just under two minutes I could see the sunrise sky again. It was still glowing but the colors had altered with very little purple or rose visible anymore, replaced by a deep yellow-orange.

In a spontaneous moment, I decided to pull into a nearby parking lot and watch the sky for a few minutes, to see if I could capture the changes. It was a brief pause.

I had caught the day’s amazing sunrise, driving to work at the perfect moment. It had caught my attention AND caught me a bit by surprise as well. It held me, as well, captivating me with rich, deep colors and a promising glow. I had also caught up with the sunrise, missing only a couple minutes of subtle changes but not being out of view for so long that it was completely done being a stunning display of color.

I caught a sunrise and it caught me; what a wonderful way to start the day.

A Sound of Hope

My town, like many this year, got hit by another snowstorm recently. The forecast that I kept hearing suggested that we would have a rain-snow mix with an actual accumulation of an inch of snow. It didn’t turn out that way. Instead we ended up with an official total of 8.8 inches. The reason, in hindsight for meteorologists, had to do with wet air filling in a dry spot in the atmosphere and causing more rather than less snow to fall in our area. The storm produced blizzard-like conditions, with a strong north wind causing blowing snow and drifts. The falling snow started out in the shape of tiny little snow balls, which I discovered when I cleared our deck the next day. These baby spheres were buried under the fluffier snow, forming the bottom layer and looking like miniature Styrofoam balls, almost not real. Throughout that Sunday the snow fell like “Christmas” snow – big, fat flakes that coated the trees in a winter wonderland way. The wind created dramatic sculpted drifts. We had a snow day – school was closed on Monday and that meant a day off for me.

Late on that Monday morning, I went outside to clear the icy chunks left by the snowplow that had lumbered down our street earlier. Then I went to the backyard to clear our deck, tromping through snowdrifts that had formed on the lawn. It was cold, in the 20′s, but luckily not too windy. I could feel my fingers starting to burn a little with the cold, despite wearing my thickest gloves. The sky had a thin overcast of cloud but it was beginning to clear. And then I heard a sound that didn’t fit with this snowy, chilly landscape. It was the springtime call of a bird, a cardinal, repeated several times. It was the kind of sound you usually hear when temperatures are warming and the air smells moist, like wet dirt, with a hint of things beginning to sprout.

The sound made me laugh out loud. It felt like a sound of hope for spring in the middle of a winter scene. I paused, stopped pushing snow for a moment and just listened.

Paradox, noun

- A seemingly contradictory statement that may nonetheless be true.

- Something exhibiting inexplicable or contradictory aspects

[From the Greek, paradoxos, meaning "conflicting with expectation“]

It WAS a paradoxical situation, where one aspect of the scene definitely conflicted with or was contradictory to my expectations. It may have seemed inexplicable (adjective, impossible to explain or account for) to me, which is perhaps one reason I laughed out loud. Why in the world was a bird calling for a mate in the middle of a cold and snowy world? But I decided to take his bright, crystal clear birdsong as a sign of hope. Spring really is coming. If the birds can feel it, then I believe it too.